I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
