Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
