they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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