Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
