My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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