Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
