I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
As shirtless as possible
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
