the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Damn victory sex feels great
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
