Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
