Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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