my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the day after is always just damage control
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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