My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
