4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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