I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
