I wish I only lived at night.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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