1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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