My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
