I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
