you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
