you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
