I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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