I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
