My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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