peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
