I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
