alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
