Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
