When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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