y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
