I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
