I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
