Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
