i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
