today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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