i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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