I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
