I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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