your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
