Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
