On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
