I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
