never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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