maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
