we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
