I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
