Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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