the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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