Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
