I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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