I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
