My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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